Do you regret your marriage, and why?
I have been married for 13 years. I cannot have intercourse with my wife. She suffers from a condition wherein physical congress is not possible. I did not know it before I married her. Neither did she. I was/am in love with her. She is smart, beautiful and tough. And we have never had sex.
No one knows about this - friends or family.
She has pointed out many times, that I'm free to go look for physical satisfaction outside the marriage. I have tried to explain that she does not understand the ramifications of me doing that. I'm concerned that it might affect me and the delicate balance I have maintained between my desires and abstinence. I'm also afraid of losing respect for myself and affecting the marriage. Also, I tell myself, what if she had an actual physical disability. Would I have left her? What sort of person would do that?
Once a while though, I imagine how it will be on the other side. And while I have not strayed, I have started questioning if it is worth not having this particular experience in my life.
That is what I regret, deeply, and consequently my marriage. But I cannot break it off. I am very much in love with this girl.
I am touched and humbled by the Quorans’ response to my answer, which, I had thought, would be consigned to a relatively quiet corner at quora, with a few comments.
Lost in the overwhelming laudation and a misplaced respect for me, are some questions, sensitively and thoughtfully put, which I shall attempt to answer.
As a few commenters have guessed correctly, my wife suffers from an extreme form of vaginismus. From what we understand, there is a psychological factor associated with it which makes it hard to treat.
As to people who have asked me about experimenting with alternative forms of sex, we did have infrequent oral sex (once every one or two months) during the initial few years of our marriage, which ended badly, when we tried to take it up a notch.
My wife’s motivation for doing so, stemmed more from a desire for normalcy and intimacy than actual desire. However, the underlying psychological reasons for intercourse remained in effect for other forms as well, rendering them impracticable.
A strong desire to conceive, led her to physiotherapy (despite my repeated requests for adoption, or IUI - failing which, IVF). My normally confident wife, would suffer from bouts of depression, questioning why, she couldn’t perform such a normal act. I will not go into the details of it, as I still rage at the physiotherapists for putting her through a humiliating and pointless series of “exercises”. I have always cherished my wife’s indomitable spirit. When I realized that she was getting affected by this, I put an end to it.
Maybe I will stray. Maybe I won’t. There are valid reasons for both.
In the end though, simply put, I have something precious that I do not want my regrets to jeopardize.
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